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-Time is what keeps everything from happening at once
-Stop the violins. Visualize whirled peas.
-There's too much youth; how about a fountain of smart.
-Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
-We
are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse
-Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
-If all
else fails... Lower your standards
-It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees.
-Nothing is impossible for the
person who doesn't have to do it.
-Life is sexually transmitted.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-Don't
steal. The government hates competition.
-Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and drop your beer.
-Love is
free. It's diapers that are expensive.
-If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people!
-If you're rich, I'm single!
-Question Authority before it Questions You!
-I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
-Jesus loves you,
but everyone else thinks you're an idiot!
-You can't fix stupid.
-24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.
-Reality is the
leading cause of stress.
-I like your approach, let's see your departure
-If the van's a' rockin, don't come a' knockin
-Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
-If men are from Mars, then why can't we send them back?
-God's last
name is not damnit!
-To hell with the dog, beware of the owner!
-I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
-Few women
admit their age ... Fewer men act theirs.
-Honesty pays, but not enough.
-Sex on television can't hurt you unless
you fall off.
-Good cowgirls keep their calves together
-I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.
-Learn from your
parent’s mistakes - use birth control!
-It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
-Work harder.
Millions on welfare depend on you.
-Not all men are fools. Some are single.
-It's not hard to meet expenses...they're
everywhere.
-I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
-Love is a 4-letter word.
-I
like to run with scissors, throw food, talk to strangers (and take candy from them too), talk with my mouth full, and making
crop circles so I can communicate with my friends.
-Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch some marijuana. Jack got high,
undid his fly and Jill said "I don't wanna."
-I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-To all you
virgins- Thanks for nothing.
-Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
-I used to have a handle
on life, but it broke.
-You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me!
-Earth is an insane asylum for the Universe.
-I'm
not a complete idiot, just some parts are missing.
-I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
-I want to die in my
sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the rest of the passengers in the car.
-God must love stupid
people, since he made so many of them.
-Your IQ test is back, it's negative.
-Ever stop to think but forget to start
again?
-My dog can lick anyone.
-I have a degree in Liberal arts... Would you like fries with that?
-Finally 21,
and legally able to do what I have been doing since I was 15.
-Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
-Police
station toilet stolen, the police have nothing to go on.
-Heck is where people go when they don't believe in Gosh.
-Time
flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.
-The trouble with life is there's no background music.
-If there is no
God, who pops up the Kleenex?
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